It's Not Me, It's You
by InsideMyBrain
Summary: Kaoru loves Hikaru. Hikaru doesn't know. Kaoru suspects Hikaru loves Haruhi. Kaoru's not sure of anything at this point, but he knows one thing for sure. It's not him, it's Hikaru. Rated T for language and possibly other things later. I own absolutely nothing.
1. The Fear

**I lovelovelovelove LOVE Lily Allen. I adore her and all her songs. This story is named after her second album, It's Not Me, It's You, released in... 2009? I think. Anyway, each chapter is named after a song in the album. Don't worry, you don't have to know the songs to get what's going on in the chapter. So, without further ado, here is chapter 1.**

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Chapter 1: The Fear

Kaoru's POV

I had always known how it was going to end. With Hikaru and Haruhi together, happy as could be. Me, I would just fill my place in the shadows. No sense disrupting something as wonderful as their relationship with something as volatile as jealousy.

Of course, it's not like that yet. But at this rate, it will be.

My name is Kaoru Hitachiin. I am fifteen years old. I go to school at Ouran Academy in Japan. I have a twin brother... Whom I love.

You always love family. No doubt about that. But I love Hikaru too much. Too much to be just a brother, or a friend. Yes, it's wrong. Yes, it's illegal. But I can't help it.

I don't think it would have been so bad if we were not in the Host Club. That ridiculous brotherly love act... Well, for me it's not an act. I don't know what it is for Hikaru. But all I know is that if we hadn't joined, my feelings would probably have stayed safely buried under a mountain of ice. They way they should.

Instead, they've blossomed up and out and created something huge. Something that cannot be ignored, something that threatens our stable, yet somehow still fragile, dynamic.

I think I know who Hikaru loves. It's pretty obvious, he makes no effort to hide it. He has a thing for Haruhi Fujioka, a girl in our class. In fact, she's sitting next to me right now.

I think about how easy it would be for Hikaru just to kiss her right now. _Just do it. _I say in my mind. _Do it and get it over with. _But neither of them makes a move. I sigh and put my head on my desk, willing the classroom and all the students to just vanish away, and my room to appear in its place.

Suddenly, the bell rings, scaring me out of my wits. I jump up and slam my books shut just as most of the others are stretching groggily. Thank God it's the end of the day. Now just hosting, then I can finally get the hell out of here.

Walking to music room three, I expect Hikaru to fall into step beside me and talk to start up, like always. However, this time, he skips-I'm not kidding, _skips_\- to catch up with Haruhi. I find myself gritting my teeth in disappointment. I unclench them and shake my head a bit. _No need to let on that you're upset. No need to burden other people with your problems._

I pull out my iPod, the white earbuds clicking together softly. Reminds me of the clackers. My mother used to have a string, with two balls attached to the ends of it. You'd move the string and the balls would smash together, making the best noise. I loved them. But she only showed it to us once, before putting it away. "They're dangerous." She had claimed, although at the time I saw nothing dangerous about them. Then again, I was eight.

I slide the white plastic into my ears and select a song. The sounds of piano, strings, and an accented voice reaches me.

_I wanna be rich and I want lots of money,_

_I don't care about clever, I don't care about funny,_

_I want loads of clothes, and fuckloads of diamonds,_

_I heard people die while you're trying to find them._

I smile a bit at the last two lines. Fuckloads of diamonds. I always liked that.

_And I'll take my clothes off, and it will be shameless, _

_'Cause everyone knows, that's how you get famous,_

_I look at the sun, and I look in the mirror,_

_I'm on the right track, yeah I'm onto a winner._

I reach the hosting room. I look around and realize, since I was walking to the beat, I left Hikaru and Haruhi in the dust. I wait for them to catch up.

_I don't know what's right and what's real, anymore,_

_And I don't know how I'm meant to feel, anymore,_

_When do you think it will all become clear?_

_'Cause I'm bein' taken over by the fear..._

Hikaru and Haruhi reach me. I hold the door open for Haruhi, like a gentleman, then slip in myself and slam the door on Hikaru. I can hear him cursing from the other side, and I laugh a bit. I open the door again.

"What was that for?" He asked grumpily.

"Nothing. Just to make you squirm a bit." I chuckle.

Hikaru walks in and the door shuts again, making the most awful clanging noise on the word _fear_ in my song. That's when I realize...

My biggest fear is losing Hikaru to Haruhi. And it's already starting to happen.


	2. Not Fair

**Aagh, sorry the chapters are so short. But what I'd normally compress into one chapter is really a couple separate topics/song titles. So I gotta make them short. **

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Chapter 2: Not Fair

After hosting, I assumed Hikaru and I would just pile into our limo, and as usual, drive off. But right now I can't find him.

He's not in the back room. Nor in any of the bathrooms. I've called his cell twice, and left a message once. I'm extremely confused.

"Ugh, where is Hikaru?" I groaned, flopping on one of the couches. I buried my face in the pillows and sighed at the feeling of the cool fabric against my hot cheeks.

"I think I saw him." Honey says from behind me. I lift my head and see him standing there, holding Usa-chan. He has an almost quizzical expression on his face, as though he knows I'm more concerned than I should be but hasn't figured out the whole picture yet. I struggle to maintain a calm disposition as I query casually, "Where?"

"Hika-chan and Haru-chan left together." He says and something shifts in my intestines. I swallow and mutter, "Well, it would have been nice to have some warning."

I get up and fish my phone out of my pocket. A text from Hikaru.

_"I offered to walk Haruhi home."_

I sigh and look around. Tamaki is talking animately to Kyoya, and Honey and Mori are carrying on a conversation as well, although Honey is doing most of the talking. I press my lips together in frustration. Honestly, there are seven people in this club. One of us is going to be left out at some point. But why is it always me?

Walking out onto the grounds, I see the limo and our usual driver. As I get in, he says, "Hitachiin-sama, where is your brother?"

I'm really not in the mood for this, so I say, "I don't know where Hikaru is." I make sure to put emphasis on the Hikaru so he knows I'm Kaoru.

He just nods and the car pulls away from the curb. I relax into the seat and look out the window. It's spring, and the first nice day we've had in a while. Sunshiny and a little bit of wind. Everyone seems to be happier when this weather rolls around.

So. Hikaru ditched me for Haruhi.

What happened to Hikaru and I? We used to be so close. We were always wrapped up in our little world of 'us', letting the everyone else occupy the much bigger world of 'them'. Not that I'm saying I want to go back to that. But lately Hikaru has been seeming distant. He isn't the same. He tries to brush it off, but we are twins. I can practically tell what he's thinking.

Okay, well maybe not. On second thought, I don't think I wanna know what he thinks all the time.

But anyway, I'm pretty sure I know why he's distant. He loves Haruhi but is unsure if she loves him back. Trust me, I know the feeling. I swallow the lump in my throat a little angrily.

This... This isn't fair. I know that's a pretty childish thing to think, but it's the best I can think up right now. Our whole lives, we've been inseparable, and now one person comes and changes it all. This one person. This...

Fuck. My vision is blurred by tears. When did I start crying? I wipe them away, being careful not to make those annoying sniffling noises that I always do when I cry.

I remember one time, when I was really little, I was crying. I can't remember the reason, but I was crying in the corner of the library in our house. Suddenly, Hikaru comes in and is like, "No offence, but you're really annoying when you cry." So I look up at him and see he has that little smirk on his face, the one he still uses to this day. It made me smile a little bit, so then he pulled me into a hug and told me everything was okay.

Goddamnit, everything reminds me of him.

This really isn't fair.


	3. He Wasn't There

Chapter 3: He Wasn't There

I wipe my tears away and quickly compose myself, walking out of the limo and into our house. As soon as I get to the solitude of my and Hikaru's shared room, I pull out my homework. I figure I should get it done sooner rather than later.

But no amount of math equations or english essays could distract me from the thoughts stewing in my brain.

I put down my pen and sigh. I'm messing up on all my math and this essay is going nowhere. The image of Hikaru and Haruhi together occupies ever square millimetre of mind.

I go into the bathroom and take a long, hard look at myself in the mirror. "You're being stupid." I tell myself quietly. "Now focus on your homework, you twit."

I try, but apparently I can't follow orders even from myself.

A couple hours later, a bell dings, signifying dinner. I go downstairs, wondering why Hikaru didn't come up to our room the second he got home. It's what we always do.

However, he's not here even now. I check my phone again. Nope, not a single text. I mean, he could have told me he was going to be late. In his last text he said he was on his way. So where is he?

I'm still pretending to eat my noodles when he walks in the door. "Hey Kaoru." He smiles and plops down at the table, emitting a long sigh.

I pick up a noodle and insert it into my mouth. I slurp it up and look at him. "How come you're late?"

He shrugs.

I look at my twin. He's playing around with his noodles too.

"No, seriously." I say again, putting down my bowl. I wasn't going to eat it anyway.

He shrugs again. Now I'm actually getting annoyed.

"What, did you go to second base with Haruhi and then got busted by her dad?" I say, in an attempt to tease him.

He nods. My mouth drops open. What the? Hikaru... Haruhi...

"I'm kidding!" He says, laughing. "You should have seen your face!" Hikaru starts to laugh uncontrollably. I shut my mouth again. Thank God.

I eat some more, ramming the food into my mouth with a bit more force than needed. I know it was just a joke... But he gave me a scare.

"So, what really did happen?" I ask, when Hikaru rights himself.

He shrugs for a third time. "Nothing, really. It's stupid."

"Tell me." I prod him, because I'm impatient and curious and annoyed.

"You remember Ranka?" He says, looking worried. I snort. How could I ever forget?

"Oh, he saw me and started interrogating me about why we were together. He seemed to think Tamaki was hiding in the bushes somewhere."

I laugh, partly out of relief. So nothing happened.

Yet later, when we're all cozy in bed and Hikaru's passed out next to me, I let a small sigh escape my lips. Right now is the time of day when we're closer than ever, our bodies entangled and the sound of warm breathing filling the air. But I feel like we're further away than ever.

He wasn't there. Today, after school. I really needed him. And he wasn't there when I needed him. Which makes me wonder...

Will he ever?


	4. Never Gonna Happen

**argh, that didn't really make sense... I'm sorry. I'll go back and clean it up a bit later, but for now here's chapter 4. **

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Chapter 4: Never Gonna Happen

I wake up to sunlight streaming in through the curtains of our room.

For a second I forget where I am, who I am, and I feel completely disoriented. But no, there's Hikaru asleep next to me, our school uniforms neatly folded and ready to be worn, and the annoying alarm beeping. I sigh and settle back down into the blankets, trying to block out the sound of the alarm.

Hikaru stirs next to me. His eyes flutter open, and those golden orbs stare into mine. He smiled softly. "Morning Kao."

I smile back at him. How nice to be able to wake up to the one you love, even if that love is tinged with sour disappointment. "Morning."

"Do something about that, would you?" He says, nodding towards the alarm. I slap it, putting it on snooze. He yawns and sits up, just as our maids walk into the room.

"Breakfast is ready in five minutes, young masters." They say in unison, and I find it quite annoying. Do people find it annoying when Hikaru and I talk in unison?

We get up, put on our uniforms, eat breakfast and leave. This is my favourite part of the day, when we can just sit in the back of the limo in happy, companionable silence. Hikaru sighs and leans back in the cushions. I put my head on his shoulders, and we just sit.

Unfortunately, all good things have to come to an end, and all too soon the limo is pulling up to Ouran. I brace myself, and we step outside.

At first, we're alone. Then, I notice a petite, brown-haired figure in a boy's uniform ahead of us, and internally groan.

"Hi Haruhi!" Hikaru calls. She turns around and smiles, waiting for us to catch up. When we do, she mentions something about the homework, and conversation starts up. It's mostly Haruhi and Hikaru, but I make an effort to be more involved.

"So, apparently we're doing a new cosplay today." Hikaru mentions, and Haruhi rolls her eyes. I don't share her disgust, though. We're going to be dressed as doctors, so it will be perfectly acceptable for Hikaru and I to 'medically examine' one another.

The bell rings, and the three of us trudge into school for our first class. I can't focus, so I stealthily pull out my iPod. Luckily I brought it, otherwise I'd be forced to pay attention.

I jam the earbuds in my ears and press play, not caring about what song comes on.

_I don't wanna hurt you, 'cause I don't think it's a virtue,_

_But you and I have come to our end._

_Believe me when I tell you that I never wanna see you, again._

_And please can you stop calling, 'cause it's getting really boring,_

_And I've told you I don't wanna be friends._

_Believe me when I tell you that I never wanna see you, again._

_How on earth could I be any more obvious?_

_It never really did and now it's never gonna happen with the two of us._

_I don't understand what it is that you're chasing after,_

_But it makes me really sad to hear you sound so desperate it just makes it harder._

I squeeze my hands together into fists to keep myself from crying out in frustration. This song... Right now, it feels like it's mocking me. Of course it's never gonna happen with me and Hikaru. We're twins. It's never gonna happen. Never gonna happen. Never gonna happen...

I rip the earbuds out my ears, and to my surprise, find I'm shaking. I ball up the cord-I'm beyond caring whether they get tangled-and shove it into my pocket. I just try to breathe normally, and not break down in the middle of class.

I have to stop hoping. Because it's never gonna happen.


	5. 22

So** just so y'all know, the songs names in here are their respective chapters. So the song in chapter 1 was called The Fear. The song in this one is called 22, and it's not by Taylor Swift, it's by Lily Allen. Enjoy!**

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I sigh and begin to do my work, trying to block out my thoughts and feelings.

However, my eyes begin to slide over to Hikaru, and I find myself daydreaming like a thirteen year old girl.

How can people think Hikaru and I are so alike? We do look like each other, all siblings do, and twins more than others. But we have our differences. Not just physical, but differences in personality too.

Haruhi can tell us apart.

I grimace. Not that I dislike her, but even the thought of her reminds me that I'm losing my brother.

Suddenly, Hikaru flings down his pen in annoyance, causing me to jump about a foot in the air.

He looks around, and slowly pulls his iPod out of his pocket. We both have a habit of switching on music whenever we're bored or can't concentrate. His iPod is red, and mine is blue, so we can tell them apart.

He catches me looking at him, and flips the iPod around, showing me what's playing. 22 by Lily Allen.

Hmm. I start to play the song in my head. After listening to it so often, I know it by heart.

_When she was twenty-two her, future looked bright._

_But she's nearly thirty now and she's, out every night._

_I see that look in her face she's, got that look in her eye._

_She's thinkin' how did I get here... And wondering, why._

Hikaru winks and begins to mouth the words of the song. I find myself mouthing along with him too.

_It's sad but it's true, how society says her life is already over._

_There's nothing to do and there's nothing to, say._

_Until the man of her dreams comes along, picks her up and puts her over his shoulder._

_Seems so unlikely in this day and, age._

Even though I'm smiling, I force myself to look away from my twin and back to my schoolwork. Now, where was I?

Unfortunately, I've never been very good at paying attention for a long period of time. And recent events have shattered my concentration even more. So I soon find my thoughts wandering again. And not to Hikaru, to the song.

I've heard that song was written about her sister...

Oh for Christ's sake. I put my head in my hands. Siblings. Us. Brothers. Love. Taboo. These words swirl around in my head and I even get a minor headache.

Stop it, stop it Kaoru. I tell myself. But at the same time, I can't help it.

Will that happen to me? Will I be that one slacker everyone knows? Hiding my pain behind the mask I've been wearing for so long?

All my problems seem to stem from my love of Hikaru. I look back down at my unfinished work as the bell rings. Shit. My life is spiraling downwards, starting from right here, right now.


	6. Chinese

**Okay, last chapter was crappy. this chapter will be too. I know because I had such a hard time coming up with an idea for this song, and the last one. 22 and Chinese, what can you do with that? Anyhow, here's the chapter. Hope you like!**

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Chapter 6: Chinese

Hikaru and I trudge through the halls to our next class which, thankfully, we don't have with Haruhi. It's called Family Studies, also known as Home Economics, also known as the class I hate.

We're supposed to be learning how to cook and sew and crap like that, but who needs to? We're all rich, we all have servants. This class was a new addition a few years ago, and I honestly think it's a waste of the Big Three: Time, space, and money.

The reason Haruhi doesn't take this class is simple: She already knows everything. On the first class, we had to do some practical evaluation thing. Hikaru and I practically set our kitchen on fire. Not her. She made everything perfectly and asked questions even the teacher didn't know. So now she just has a spare for this period.

We reach the class and Hikaru and I roll our eyes at each other as the teacher walks to the front of the class and starts talking. He's yammering on about something or other, I don't know, I'm zoning out.

So far, Hikaru and I have made a couple huge messes in this class. Here they are.

1) The first day we cooked stuff, I accidentally left the oven on. And for some reason, there was a piece of paper in there. Luckily the teacher put out the fire.

2) The first day we sewed, Hikaru left a bunch of really sharp needles on the table. I bumped into the table and knocked them all to the floor. I then forgot to pick them up and someone stepped on them. Don't worry, she's okay.

3) One time, when we were hanging drapes, Hikaru forgot to secure the pole to the wall. It fell off and hit the teacher in the head. He swears he still has a mark.

4) Another time, we were cooking a sauce or something on the stove and I accidentally added waaaaay more salt than we were supposed to. Hikaru tested it, then spat it out all over us. Whoops.

"Mr. Hitachiin!" Our teacher's sharp voice snaps me out of my remembering. At first I'm unsure if it's me or Hikaru he's talking to, but he's looking right at me.

"Care to tell us what you were smiling about?" He says sarcastically.

Crap. Was I smiling? I guess I was. Thinking about Hikaru always has that affect on me. I decide to turn it into a cheeky answer, so as not to arouse suspicion.

"I was just thinking about how much destruction we're going to cause today." I smirk, draping my arm around Hikaru. The entire class laughs, and so does the teacher.

"Brilliant." Hikaru whispers in my ear. His breath causes my hair to flutter and tickle my ears. I smile at him. "Thanks."

Suddenly, I shiver. This is the first time in a while I've felt like Hikaru and I had a conversation that meant something. Even if it was only two words long. If that's pathetic, well so am I.

"So today we're going to be cooking a traditional Chinese dish..."

Booooooooring. Wait. I do a double take. Chinese? We're in Japan. Oh well, they can't be that different, right?

He outlines the meal: some rice, sweet and sour pork... Whatever. I'm gonna mess it up anyway.

-oooo-

It's almost the end of Family Studies, and for the first time, I've had fun in this class. One piece of pork looked suspiciously like a dick, and once Hikaru pointed it out I couldn't help but notice it. Right now we're eating them, and Hikaru makes a big show of eating the one that looks like a dick. I'm laughing really hard, but I hear the gagging sounds he makes. Guess we fucked it up worse than usual.

"Good work everyone, even you two." The teacher says, looking at Hikaru and I. We start laughing again. Then the bell rings, and it's off to our next class.


	7. I Could Say

**hey y'all! new chapter! so chapter before last i was like mehhh its so sad but then i was like imma make it happy! unfortunately, they're back to being sad. :'(**

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Chapter 7: I Could Say

That evening, Hikaru and I talked and laughed a lot more than usual. I'm happy, but sad because I know this won't last. Sooner or later he's going to leave me for Haruhi.

After Family Studies, the rest of the day was boring. We did usual classwork(yawn), worked on some stupid assignment(zzzz...), and other crap like that. Then the day was over and it was just hosting.

We were cosplaying as doctors, so naturally Hikaru and I had a routine. It went like this.

Hikaru: Kaoru, it's time for your checkup. *unbuttons my shirt* *places stethoscope on my chest*

Me: Oh, that's cold!

Hikaru: Your heart seems to be working fine...

Me: Oh but Hikaru, you know my heart only works for you!

Hikaru: *embraces me* And mine for you!

Fangirls: *squeal*

I actually enjoyed myself a lot.

And after that we went home, had dinner, etc... And went to bed.

I glance at Hikaru, who has one arm resting on my chest and the other wrapped around my waist. He's almost asleep, his face smushed into our silk pillows. I twine my fingers into his hair and sigh. Right here, right now, he's all mine.

I fiddle with Hikaru's hair as my thoughts start to drift.

Hikaru has always taken better care of his hair than me. He imports some fancy-ass shampoo from Paris and only washes it on specific days. I always thought it was bullcrap, but I can see now it works. As the moonlight hits his hair, it almost glows and I have to run my fingers through it. It slips through them like liquid amber.

Hikaru sighs and shifts closer to me, nuzzling my shoulder. I guess he's in an affectionate mood today.

I feel so comfortable with him, with his touch. I would never allow anyone to touch me like Hikaru does. When we're alone together, those minutes and hours are precious, and I lose myself in him, blocking out the whole world.

I realize how easy it would be to profess my love right now. He's almost asleep, I could whisper it into his ear and he might not even hear. I could say it. I really could. Right now...

"Hikaru?" He doesn't look up, doesn't move, and I think maybe he's gone to sleep. "I love you."

He stirs, then rolls over so his golden eyes are staring into mine. They seem to be searching my face. I know my brother, he doesn't quite get how I mean this. Maybe because he's just sleepy, or maybe I'm too good at masking my emotions. We stare at each other for what seems like an eternity before he sleeps.

"I know." My heart beats uncontrollably. Did he really just say that...?

"Love you too, Kao." He kisses me on the cheek and rolls over again, and suddenly everything is horribly clear.

He thinks I meant it as brotherly affection, not as a confession of love. He doesn't know my feelings are real. He doesn't get it. He doesn't get it...

Tears spring into my eyes and I wipe them away, being careful not to make any sniffling noises. I look over at Hikaru; out like a light. Maybe he was just sleepy. But I don't allow myself to hope, because I know my hopes will be dashed against the cruel, jagged rocks of reality.


	8. Him

**sorry for the delay. I went to Quebec City for four days, and the majority of today I was really tired, but here's another chapter. I'm gonna be pretty busy this weekend too, so I'll try and get up as many chapters as I can. Enjoy!**

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Chapter 8: Him

I wake up, and immediately a fierce headache attacks my temples. I groan and roll over, pulling out of Hikaru's grasp. This wakes him up.

"Kao... ru?" Hikaru mumbles sleepily. He opens his eyes. "You okay?"

I shake my head. No, I'm not okay. Then I say it out loud. "No, I'm not okay. I _think_ I need to stay home from school."

Instead of just saying shrugging and saying okay, he snuggles close to me.

"Aw, but..." He trails off, feeling my forehead. He must think it's a fever, but really I'm blushing. Underneath the blankets, Hikaru's foot is slowly rubbing my leg. Somehow I feel it's worse to do this while the sun is shining.

He slumps back into the pillows. "Fine." He whines. The touch of his foot leaves my leg, and as much as I am relieved, I'm also a little disappointed.

At that moment, the alarm goes off and our twin maids sidle into the room. "Breakfast is ready, young masters." Hikaru yawns and dismisses them, then disappears to take a shower.

I tug the blankets up to my chin and put a pillow over my face, trying to block out the sounds of Hika showering.

-oooo-

When I wake up for the second time, everything is silent. I check the clock: 10:00 A.M. No wonder.

My headache still isn't gone and my mouth is as dry as the Sahara, but I'm not hungry. Surprisingly. Usually at this time I could eat so much and not get full. I wonder if I actually am sick. Not a bodily affliction, but one of the heart. Lovesick.

Last night, we were so comfortable, and I had to open my big damn mouth and spoil it for myself.

I find myself wondering what Haruhi and Hikaru are going to be doing today. No Kaoru! Stop thinking about that!

I sit straight up in bed as a thought occurs to me. What if Hikaru asks Haruhi out today?

It would be a perfect opportunity. Since I'm not there, it gives him a reason to talk to her alone. He could ask her in the rose garden. He mentioned to me once that if he were to ask someone out it would be in the maze, preferably the center.

This is depressing me, so I pull out my iPod. Music is a good distraction, right? I press play, letting soft music fill my ears.

_Would you please take me away from this place,_

_I cannot bear to see the look upon your faces._

That certainly applies to me. Sometimes I just wanna say fuck it and run, leaving everything behind. Sometimes I think it would be best for everyone. They wouldn't have to see me or talk to me, disgusting, sick me. And I think I'd be happier too. Get out of Japan, find a girl to love... Oh who am I kidding. I love this country, this city. And my brother.

I've barely reached this conclusion when the third line starts. Isn't it funny how fast the brain works?

_And if there is some kind of God do you think He's pleased?_

_When he looks down on us I wonder what he sees._

I know the answer to the first part. Of course he's not pleased. In the bible, they say it's sin. Believe me, I've checked.

Although, if they could get past the gay part, would they even care about the incest? I mean, it was written a long time ago. That was probably still legal. Like Uncle Grampa.

Ha, Uncle Grampa. In our case though, it would be more like Uncle Father.

I chuckle to myself. What just went through my mind? Hikaru and I raising a child, living together, and being accepted. The smile fades from my face as I realize the finality of that. That would be... Lovely.

I sigh and lick my lips. I have a stomachache and I need to pee. I get out of bed shakily, still holding my iPod, and wobble to the bathroom.

_Do you think He'd think the things we do are a waste of time?_

_Maybe He'd think that we are getting on just fine._

If God thinks Hikaru and I are fine, He's a sorry excuse for a god.

I use the bathroom, wash my hands, and stumble back into bed.

We are definitely _not _fine. We-no, I-may look fine, but in reality, I am a fucking wreck. Last night, this morning, yesterday, and every other day.

There's this overwhelming guilt I feel, like I could have a choice of who I fall in love with. And I know I really don't, but it's so wrong I can't help being guilty.

_Ever since He can remember, people have died in His good name,_

_Long before, that September, long before hijacking planes,_

_He's lost the will, He can't decide, __He doesn't know what's right or wrong,_

_That is one thing that He's sure of, this has been going on too long._

This has been going on too long. I curl my hands into fists, digging my nails into the palms of my hands. I release my hands and relax my face, which I've just realized was contorted into a grimace.

Ever since all this has started happening, there has been a thread of anger weaving its way through me, growing slowly but surely, wrapping itself around my veins and squeezing. My anger was stewing, bubbling, boiling, and now it is red-hot.


	9. Fuck You

**Hello again, y'all! since i'm "sick" today, [;)] I should have a lot of time for writing. Enjoy this next chapter!**

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Chapter 9: Fuck You

I jump up from the bed, throwing the covers across the room. I land on the hardwood floor, landing with a thump that shakes the room.

"FUCK YOU!" I scream, tilting my head upwards towards the ceiling. If God really is up there, he'll want to hear this.

"FUCK YOU, YOU SICK BASTARD!" I feel dog-crazy, like I want to bite someone. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm foaming at the mouth. I punch the wall and it feels good. I punch it again and again and when I stop, my knuckles are bright red. I don't realize I'm crying until I see my tears fall on my cracked, bleeding hands.

I sniffle and wipe the tears away, but I'm pretty sure all I'm doing is smearing blood across my face. You know what? I'm just gonna stay like this. I'm sick and tired of this... This game I play with myself. I go along, pretending like everything's okay and wonderful, then BAM! I can't take it any longer! And I keep hiding my feelings, keep caging myself, and I'm sick of it. Someone needs to see this. Someone needs to stop me before I go insane.

I pace the room, feeling trapped and helpless. On one of the shelves, I glimpse a clay turtle I must have made when I was six. It's sitting next to the one Hikaru made. For some reason this makes me angry. I pick up my turtle and fling it against the wall. It shatters into a million pieces.

I stare at it for a second, then feel awful. What the hell did I just do? I just destroyed something that held so many memories without a moment's hesitation.

I hit the wall again. I fucking hate my life. I keep pacing the room, my bare feet pounding the floorboards rhythmically. This sucks. Ha, that's the understatement of the century. This is the worst situation I could ever be in. I wonder if I'm crazy. I certainly feel crazy. I feel like I've loved and I've lost, even though I've done neither. I've never expressed my love for Hikaru, and he's still here. Just not for me.

Am I depressed? What are the stages? Like, denial, anger, greif... Wait, aren't those the stages of greif? Argh, I don't even know. They're the stages of something.

I hate this. I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate Haruhi, I hate Hikaru. Why doesn't he see? Why doesn't he question me? Does he not even care? Or is he just so wrapped up in Haruhi that he doesn't even notice me anymore? If that's the case, I hate him more. Fuck you, Hikaru.

Fuck you. Fuck fuck fuck fuck you.

I clutch my head and lean against the wall. It feels like I've been pacing for hours. Maybe I have been. What time is it? I slide down the wall and sit on the floor, putting my head in my hands.

I need to get the hell out of here. I have to. I have to. I have-

"Hello?" I hear. Hikaru's voice. Shit. Shit shit shit shit. He's home from school already? How long have I been in this room? How long have I been raging and pacing? How long have I thought that I hated myself? This can't be healthy.

Focus. Focus on cleaning up. I hear footsteps up the stairs and gather up the shattered pieces of the clay turtle. I run into the bathroom and deposit them in the garbage can, then clean myself up as best I can.

The handle's turning. I sprint out of the bathroom and flop onto the bed, covering my head with a pillow just as Hikaru walks in the door.

"Kaoru?" He sits on the bed. "You feeling a bit better?"

A suppress the urge to sigh in relief. He didn't see. He doesn't know. And that's the way it should stay.

I sit up. "Yeah, I'm better."

Hikaru visibly sighs in relief and hugs me. I'm startled, and a bit guilty for saying I hated him. But I don't. I fuckin' love the bastard. I close my eyes and will myself to melt into him. I never want this moment to end.

He does care.

He pulls away. "You've been acting so weird lately." He says. "I'm glad you're better."

I smile. "Me too."


	10. Everyone's At It

Chapter 10: Everyone's At It

After my little freak-out yesterday, I decided not to show any more of my emotions. What if Hikaru saw that? How would I be able to explain it? No, I have to keep it hidden. No need to burden everyone with your problems.

Right now, we're in school and it's so insanely boring that I want to flush my head in the toilet. Where did my teacher get his degree? The school of boring? Did he major in how to drone on and on about something no-one will ever listen to?

I glance to my left. Haruhi is taking notes, like a perfect student, and Hikaru's zoning out. His eyes are dreamily staring at the chalkboard. If someone saw him now, they might think he's paying perfect attention but I know he's not. I know he isn't because he's fiddling with his hair. He only does that when he's really in another world.

His eyes take on such an intense look when they're focused. It's like the amber of his eyes is molten amber, hot and rest of his face is so pale and still it makes his eyes look like huge jewels, glittery topaz.

Our eyes are our best feature, in my opinion. Hikaru spends hours on his hair every morning, but I try and make sure my eyes don't go unnoticed. It's not too much work, really. Just cleverly placed eyeliner. But lately my eyes have been emphasized by something else: the bags under them.

Finally, the bell rings and I stand up and get my stuff together. Hikaru blinks, and all the fire is gone from his eyes.

We make our way down to the cafeteria in silence. Right now just isn't the time for talking.

After ordering our food, and eating most of it, it's still silent. I'm feeling super awkward right now, so I tell Hikaru I'm going to the bathroom.

"Want me to come with?" Hikaru asks playfully.

I stick my tongue out and give him a shove. "I'll be right back."

As I walk out of the cafeteria, I feel his eyes on my back.

Of course, I'm not actually going to the bathroom. I'm just planning to pop my head outside, listen to a song, then head back in.

I slip out of a side door just outside of the cafeteria, breathing in the fresh air. I stick my earbuds in my ears and lean against the wall of the school.

The cool breeze is nice. It blows my hair around my face and I close my eyes, listening to the song. I open them again and let my eyes rove around the landscape.

Wait, what's that? I spot a small cylinder and and a small rectangle lying on the ground a few feet away. Hold on... Oh my God.

I walk up to it and prod it with my foot. It's a rolled-up piece of paper, and what's lying beside it is a book of matches. I pick it up and take a whiff, and I detect the scent of weed clinging to it.

Yep, it's definitely marijuana.

I consider it a bit, then carefully light it up and take a puff.

Whoa. This is... weird. I let my breath out slowly. For some reason, I find the smoke curling in the air oddly beautiful. I reach out my hand to touch it, and it slips through. I giggle a little and let my hand fall back to my side.

The lyrics of the song I'm listening to swirl around in my head.

_You go to the doctor, you need pills for sleeping,_

_Well if you can convince him than I guess that's not cheating._

_Say you're daughter's depressed we'll get her straight on the prozac, but little do you know... She already takes crack._

_Why can't we all, all just be honest,_

_Admit to ourselves, that everyone's on it,_

_From grown politicians, to young adolescents,_

_Prescribing themselves, antidepressants._

Well isn't this ironic. I'm listening to a song about drugs, while doing drugs. I snort, then start laughing. I'm still laughing when I hear, "Kaoru?"


	11. Back To The Start

Chapter 11: Back To The Start

I manage to pull one earbud out and scramble to my feet as Hikaru comes around the corner.

I see his face as he takes in the scene. His mouth drops open, literally, and his pupils dilate in fear. My stomach drops as I see his eyes fill with tears.

I'm so stupid.

He does care. He always has. I've just been too blind to see it. My fingers release the joint and it falls to the ground, still smoking.

"K-Kaoru?" Hikaru stammers.

"Hikaru." I whisper. "You followed me."

He doesn't contradict this, nor try to justify it. He just stands there with the saddest expression on his face.

"Oh my God, Kaoru..." He mumbles. "I knew you were acting different lately, but I didn't expect _this. _Jesus!"

"Hika..."

He rubs his forehead and leans against the wall of the school. I want to yell, to explain, to hug him or kiss him, do anything. But I don't.

"Why?" He whispers, but I get the feeling he's talking more to himself than me.

He suddenly pushes himself off the wall. "What the fuck, Kaoru?" He yells. I jump back a bit, startled at the outburst.

"What are you thinking? Why are you doing this? What's wrong with you?"

The last comment pisses me off a little. What's wrong with _me? _What's wrong with me is him. Because I love him. My sick, twisted destiny let me fall in love with my twin brother.

Hikaru's still muttering something to himself. I don't care what it is. My knees give way as my vision is clouded over by tears.

I sink to the ground, grabbing Hikaru's hand on the way down. A tear falls on his shoe. "Hikaru," I choke through my tears, "It's not me, it's you."

I look up, wipe my eyes, and see his face is part anger, part sorrow, and part confusion. I try to make this clearer.

"I wasn't planning on it. I was only gonna get a breath of fresh air. I just saw it sitting there, and I wasn't thinking clearly since I've been distressed lately, because-"

I cut myself off as Hikaru sits down beside me and hugs me. I rest my head on his shoulder and squeeze him, allowing myself to cry harder and harder. I think he's stroking my hair, and he's definitely saying something, but I can't hear much right now. Just the sound of the wind and my own sobs.

When at last I calm down, Hikaru's whole shoulder is wet. I pull away and wipe my eyes one last time. "I'm sorry..." I whisper.

"Kaoru." He says seriously. "If you want to talk to me, you know you can."

These words almost make me cry again. Instead, I hold his hand and say, "I'm so sorry, for making you worry about me. I promise this will never happen again. I... I just want to go back to the start."

He looks at our hands, our hands twined together. He squeezes, then pulls away. He walks over to the joint and crushes it with his foot, grinding it into the asphalt. He stomps it one last time, then walks over to me and holds out a hand. He helps me up and we walk off together.

"I love you." He whispers.

"Me too." I reply.


	12. Who'd Have Known

Chapter 12: Who'd Have Known

Hikaru flips his cell open and calls for a car to come get us. In spite of what's happened, I can't help but think, 'Yes! Ditching school!'

When the car shows up, we get in and I lean my head on Hikaru's shoulder. I'm happy he doesn't seem to be too mad about what just happened. Honestly, it was one time, I'll never do it again. If that's what happens... Never again.

Hikaru starts fiddling with my hair and his eyes are unfocused. I want to stare at him and take his face and kiss him, kiss him and tell him how much I love him. But I can't. No matter how much I love him, he's my brother.

This might not be so bad, you know. As long as I've got him, I can live. I'll live for him. I remember the pain in his eyes when he discovered me. He loves me.

Just not as I love him.

A sharp tug on my hair breaks me out of my thoughts. "Ow!" I sit up, rubbing my head. "Oh, sorry Kaoru." His hands fall into his lap and stay there.

When we get home, I tell him I have to take a shower. I grab a towel and bathmat, then step into the bathroom. I can hear Hikaru outside the door, moving things around in our room. I turn on the shower and step under the warm water.

Ah, so nice. I close my eyes and rub some soap on myself. Hikaru's still out there, messing with our room. Then I hear music start up.

This is my favourite song. I hear Hikaru humming along and I join in, singing. The notes are too high for me to reach, so I just sing it in a lower key.

_It's five o'clock in the morning,_

_Conversation got boring._

_You said __you're going to bed soon,_

_So I snuck off to your bedroom, _

_And I thought I'd just wait there,_

_Until I heard you come up the stairs,_

_And I pretended I was sleeping,_

_I was hoping you would creep in... With me._

I take some shampoo and scrub my hair, then wash all the suds out. I know singing in the shower is a bit stupid, but honestly I do it all the time.

_Put your arm around my shoulder,_

_And it was if the room got colder,_

_And we moved closer in together,_

_And started talking 'bout the weather,_

_You said tomorrow would be fun, _

_And we could watch A Place In The Sun,_

_I didn't know where this was going... Till you kissed me._

I can hear Hikaru singing along too. I smile, thinking we make a pretty good duet.

_Are you mine, are you mine?_

_'Cause I stay here all the time,_

_Watching telly, drinking wine..._

_Who'd have known, who'd have known,_

_When you flash up on my phone,_

_I no longer feel alone._

_No longer feel alone..._

I turn off the shower and dry myself off, then wrap the towel around my waist and leave the bathroom.

Some of the steam escapes with me as I walk into our bedroom. Hikaru has hooked up his iPod to a speaker and is blasting the music. He's sitting on our bed, singing along and eating chocolate.

I plop down beside him and grab a piece. "Hey!" He says. I pop it into my mouth. "I'm starving." I say through the chocolate. He shoves me. "Get off, you're getting our duvet wet."

"Fine." I sit on the floor instead.

He sits down beside me. The music plays.

_I haven't left you for days now,_

_And I'm becoming amazed how,_

_You're quite affectionate in public,_

_In fact your friend said it made her feel sick._

_And even though it's moving forward,_

_There's just the right amount of awkward,_

_And today you __accidentally... Called me baby._

"I know why you... Well, you've been so upset lately." Hikaru says, eating another piece of chocolate.

I catch my breath. "You do?"

He nods. "You were mad because of me. You were mad because I didn't do this."

And then he leans forward and kisses me.

_Are you mine, are you mine? _

_'Cause I stay here all the time,_

_Watching telly drinking wine..._

_Who'd have known, who'd have known,_

_When you flash up on my phone,_

_I no longer feel alone..._

It's everything I thought it would be, soft and lovely, heaven and hell at the same time. I want to hold onto this moment forever, live here and now, and love him forever.

_Let's just stay, let's just stay,_

_I wanna lie in bed all day,_

_We'll be laughing all the way..._

He breaks away, and I'm left breathless. "Hikaru..." I breathe. He smiles softly. "Sorry-" He starts. I cut him off. "Don't apologize! What you just did was... The best thing all year. Or a few years. Or my entire life."

_Told your friends, they all know,_

_We exist but we're taking it slow,_

_Let's just see how it go. _

_Let's see how it go..._

I kiss him again and this time neither of us breaks away. 'Well well well.' I think happily. 'Who'd have known?'


End file.
